


get a load of this

by tummykink



Category: Marvel (Movies), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Deadpool!Harry, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Spiderman!Louis, and the not so friendly or neighborhood spiderman, from a deadpool that loves assplay, mature language, too many sassy retorts to count
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-05-29 02:07:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6354499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tummykink/pseuds/tummykink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now you may be wondering, "how did such a sweet young boy like Harry nearly turn these two assholes into the walking dead?"</p><p>well, little jimmy and susie, sometimes daddy gets mad when people get in the way. Sort of like when you want to curse someone out for walking in on you watching porn and then not having the common courtesy to close the door back behind themselves.</p><p>I mean, sure I can be a nice person sometimes. I was relatively good, walked the elderly across the street, saved a cat from a tree, all that nice superhero stuff. Unfortunately though, this isn't real a superhero tale. More of a kick bad guys asses while also technically being a bad guy yourself. </p><p>or where louis' the struggling neighborhood spiderman that's job at a strip club is barely bringing in enough money, until he meets the merc with the mouth through a craigslist ad that helps the two find solace in a life of crime after some unfortunate events.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ride it, my pony

**Author's Note:**

> yes, Harry is Deadpool and Louis is Spiderman. It's simply for the fact that after careful deliberation and analysis that included switching the roles back and forth, mickey (larrystylinsonvevo) and i (tummykink) decided on this. 
> 
> aside from the fact that louis and harry's body shapes match perfectly with their chosen characters, the decision was based more on their personalities. So yes, louis isn't the only funny and sassy person between the boys, but in regards to the analysis:
> 
> Harry Styles as Deadpool:
> 
> a quirky pansexual with a penchant for making terrible sexual jokes and defending those he cares the most about. his charm can be strangely endearing and deadly, so it's best to avoid the merc with the mouth (that eats a lot of ass, confirmed by his match.com account).
> 
> and 
> 
> Louis Tomlinson as SpiderMan:
> 
> an uptight seeming web-slinger that's really a lot more flexible on the pole when he isn't trying to defend himself from villians or Harry's wandering hands. 
> 
> if you disagree with the characters, then please don't make a big fuss about it. this is how we wanted to write the story and so we decided to do it this way! 
> 
> enjoy the story!

A quick sweep around the bar with his jaded eyes proves futile as the man that's supposed to be here, hasn't shown up yet for his own party. 

The alcohol in front of him is a bit too dark for his tastes, but he has to flow with the act of the shady place to fit in. Although, his unbuttoned shirt covered in roses already makes him stand out enough and the gold boots don't seem to help.

The bikers of the bar have been whispering and calling him some kind of pimp for the last hour. Harry's simply scoffed at every claim, thinking he'd need a fedora with a hat to complete that look. Honestly, people think so highly of him, when in reality he'd probably be someone's bitch.

Speaking of bitches and pimps, Harry sees his target walking into the bar right now. With a quick glance over his shoulder, still supporting most of his weight on the bar, he sees the true definition of slums hospitality.

The pimp, the same motherfucker who's on Harry's radar for the night is escorted into the club and taken to a private booth in the back. Harry follows silently behind the group, ducking behind a couple of people with a hunched posture to conceal his identity.

He also makes sure to count his steps and focus on not tripping.

"Left, right, left, left, right, right, one, two three, please fuck me..." he trails off under his breathe. A small startling noise escapes his lips when he bumps into the backs of two very angry bouncers that probably aren't too happy with all these leather wearing and bike riding hippies coming into their bars. Harry can agree, for he doesn't understand how people wear leather for such long periods of time. It always rides up in the crotch for him, makes his walk a little funny.

"Hello fellas," Harry says, "just looking for the bathroom, gotta take a dump." He stands to full height now, noting that even then the men are still taller than him.

"Bathrooms in the opposite direction," one of the men says with a gruff timbre to his voice.

"Then why were all those nice young ladies following that piece of shit around?" Harry asks innocently, craning his head around the men to get a better look. They see to coordinate with their minds the idea of moving closer together to block his vision. "Now I may not be the smartest, but I know that shit belongs in the toilet."

Harry wishes he could read minds, then he'd be the coolest kid on the block, minus the kid part.

"Get this chump out of here." The men then begin to converge on Harry and so he makes sure to widen his eyes in what he hopes to be fearful and slowly reaches behind his back.

"Please-please mister, I-I-I'll do anything. I didn't mean anything by it I swear, I was just taking the piss." He wobbles his lip and on the outside probably appears like he'll piss his pants as he slowly begins to walk backwards.

When he gets a grip on his gun, he slowly begins pulling it out from its tucked position in the back of his pants.

The men crack their knuckles with laughs pouring through their lips, watching the once cocky guy turn into a scared young boy.

When they get close enough, Harry drops the act and swiftly pulls out his gun to knock them both down in a stunned silence. The gun makes a nasty sound when it knocks against their skulls, surely cracking something.

Two guards down, Harry thinks as he shakes out his gun to clear it of any blood, one more to go on my hit-list.

**_Now you may be wondering, "how did such a sweet young boy like Harry nearly turn these two assholes into the walking dead?"_ **

**_well, little jimmy and susie, sometimes daddy gets mad when people get in the way. Sort of like when you want to curse someone out for walking in on you watching porn and then not having the common courtesy to close the door back behind themselves._ **

**_I mean, sure I can be a nice person sometimes. I was relatively good, walked the elderly across the street, saved a cat from a tree, all that nice superhero stuff. Unfortunately though, this isn't real a superhero tale. More of a kick bad guys asses while also technically being a bad guy yourself._ **

**_But this didn't just happen out of the blue. It all started when i was a wee little sperm in my dads ball sac- Wait!_ **

**_Not that far back, but more like a couple of days ago._ **

Harry awakens on a couch that smells like ball sweat and old people at ass o'clock in the morning (meaning three) with an erection that won't quit. "My dick senses are tingling," he whispers to himself, "which means that it's time to fuck a really hot babe, but since there are none present, preferably a cute little number number with blue eyes, I guess I'll just have to settle for option two. What is option two you might ask? Operation dos is bust out the old jams." Old jams meaning pony by ginuwine.

He waits a few minutes before he slouches down the couch until he can get off, going to the stereo situated next to the tv and pressing play. He knows it's the last song he was listening to, so he plugs up his phone and let's the jams flow through. He's going down now, but it still strains a bit against his boxers and bobs awkwardly when he walks so he has to hold himself with a small hiss leaving his lips.

"I'm just a bachelor," he croons the first lyrics out in a deep slow drawl, huskier than normal because he just woke up and things are still a bit fuzzy, "I'm looking for a partner."

_Someone who knows how to ride_

"To get off or to not get off?" He weighs the options in his head, looking back at the clock on his phone and realizing that he probably won't have any time. Louis' due home soon and he knows that his roommate probably won't appreciate the "accident" that's happened hundreds of times before.

Since Harry lives on the couch, with them both only being able to afford a one bedroom place and Louis having kicked him out for being a courteous person. Well, Louis described it as rude for constantly waking their friend up with their morning erections, but Louis doesn't know what he's talking about. That's such a nice gesture, like _look I'm hard for you, aren't you proud?_

_Girl when I break you off, I promise that you won't want to get off_

"Ooh," Harry squeals, clapping his hands together excitedly, "this is my favorite part."

_If you're horny, let's do it_  
_Ride it, my pony_

Harry sings obnoxiously loud along with the lyrics, making sure to enunciate every word with a shake of his hips and a couple of hip thrust to punctuate his needs. He's mostly gone down, only at a halfie right now, which is very typical of him. More typical when he's around Louis, but still very typical of him in this setting.

Just when he crashes on the couch out of exhaustion, long gangly limbs spread out wide, the front door opens. He already has a smile on his face, knowing who it is by the soft flutter of feet against the wood. He doesn't know how Louis does it because every time Harry walks, the floorboards always creak obnoxiously under his weight.

"Are you decent?" Louis yells out, not covering his eyes like he normally would when walking into the apartment, figuring that they're already closing from fatigue. He drops his keys into the little bowl by the front door that also works good for weed and hangs his coat in the closet next to the front door.

"That's questionable. What's your definition of decent?" Harry yells back, even though there's no need to. They'll be definitely getting complaints about the noise level again like they did the last time, but Harry thinks that he handled it well:

_"Hello," a kind woman says when Harry opens the front door, sweaty from his morning workout and a bit sleepy. Definitely going to need a nap._

_"Hello?" Harry answers skeptically, eyebrow raised as he leans against the door. Hopefully she'll be scared away._

_"I'm sorry to be bothering you, but I'd like to ask that you keep the noise down." She has a kind smile on her face, but Harry's face is the opposite._

_"Noise?" He says again in more of a question. It seems like this is how most of the conversation will be going now._

_Before she can answer the question, Louis comes out looking a bit sleepy as well from the weed he just smoked. With his blue eyes looking an irritated red. "Who's at the door?" He slurs, leaning into Harry's side and wrapping his arms around his waist. He ignores the smell of man sweat and husky must in sake of a cuddle._

_Harry practically preens. A cuddly Louis is almost as amazing as a horny Louis._

_"Susan," she supplies and Harry tries to hold back a snort. Of course her name is Susan! She looks like a middle aged soccer mom that forces people to buy her daughters Girl Scouts cookies._

_Harry knows first hand how crazy those girls get when selling cookies. They look like gizmo, but turn out to be gremlins when someone doesn't buy more than one box of Samoas._

_"What's the problem?" Louis asks for Harry as said man wraps a loose arm around his shoulders, enjoying the limited amount of closeness they have for now._

_"I don't mean to be a bother, but the amount of noise coming from your apartment is pretty unbearable. My husband and I have trouble sleeping at night because of it."_

_"We're sorry, we'll try to keep the volume down on our large amount of crazy sex we have."_

_"Harry!" Louis exclaims, but falling into a fit of giggles at the failed attempt at scolding._

_"Excuse me?"_

_"Really loud rough sex every single day. I think it keeps a relationship nice and healthy. I mean, I do honestly try to keep it down, but when I get Louis face down and ass up in the sheets, he just moans like a bitch in heat, but I truly am sorry. I guess I'll just have to stop thrusting so hard next time, but thank you for showing concern," he says with the straightest face possible._

The woman has never been able to look at Harry the same again, especially when they cross paths on their way to the mailbox. She usually goes the other way when she sees him coming.

"Harold?" Louis questions, slapping his friend? (Acquaintance? Stranger that sleeps on his couch?) upside the head and effectively knocking Harry out of his little daydream. When Harry opens his eyes, it's to the blissful sight of Louis with glitter coating his tanned skin, hair mused, and body covered in a small layer of sweat.

"Yes sweetcheeks?" Harry smiles lazily at him, small dimple popping out in the side of his cheek.

_My saddles waiting_

_Come and jump on it_

"What are you doing?" Louis asks, crossing his arms over his chest. Harry has a crazy look in his eyes and Louis knows that it only gets them into trouble.

"This," Harry says pulling Louis down onto his lap as the boy sqwacks indignantly. He starts wiggling insistently, trying to break free of Harry's freakishly strong hold, as the boy stares at him with a dopey smile and his tongue poking out of his mouth.

"Let me go you pervert!"

And okay, yep! If Louis keeps wiggling like that, then it won't be hard for Harry to, you know, get fully hard.

"If you're horny," Harry sings to him, "lets do it! Ride it, my pony." His head is resting on Louis' neck as he sings against the tender flesh of his collarbones. It would be nice to bite down on them, but he knows that Louis would probably hit him for it. They just look so edible though.

"You know," Louis says, pulling back slightly to play with a loose curl that's hanging down Harry's temple. Harry looks up at him like he's hung the moon or just hung in general. "You may be singing, but all I hear is restraining order."

"You love me too much," Harry drawls out the words and like everything else he does, it's adorably obnoxious. Louis' so focused on Harry being distractedly cute, that he notices something a beat too late and his face turns sour.

"Ow!" Harry's whine quickly turns into a whimper when he drops his hands from where they had fallen down to Louis butt. He quickly goes to rub his head.

"What did I say about grabbing my ass?" Louis asks, all but yelling at his roommate for not following simple rules that he's constantly told him from time and time again.

"I didn't even realize that time, I swear!" Harry's hands would be raised in surrender if they weren't protecting the pain in his head. He honestly didn't even know he was doing it that time. It was almost like body has a mind of its own and his hands have a constant need to be filled with something.

"I walked into the room not five minutes ago and you've already pissed me off. I'm going to bed!" Louis gets up, but Harry grabs his arm before both of his feet can touch the floor. One still dangles awkwardly with his knee placed at the edge of the couch, right in between Harry's legs.

"Wait!" Harry says, focusing his attention clearly on where he's grabbing Louis' wrist and seeing how a substance wipes off onto his hands. When he moves his fingers around, he notices large purple bruises on Louis' wrists. "Louis," Harry says slowly, cautiously looking up into apprehensive eyes, "who did this to you?"

"It's not important," Louis says as he tries to wiggle away from Harry's strong grip. "Seriously, get off!"

Harry just pulls Louis closer, taking the hood off of the boys head and running a thumb down his cheek slowly. More of the substance, makeup, gets smeared onto his fingers to reveal skin reddened from possibly a slap.

"Did **he** do this to you? Louis, please tell me that your pimp didn't do this."

"I pissed him off, it's no big deals. I know the rules and I should have followed them. Look, I don't need you fighting my battles for me 'cause I'm capable enough to do them on my own," Louis says when he sees that familiar glint in Harry's eyes, like a fire burning with anger and an idea.

"Okay," Harry nods his head, seeming to drop the subject, "but please stay and cuddle me." He does his best puppy eyes and almost squeals when Louis' face softens, "my pride and joy feels lonely without you."

He'll be dealing with that sore subject later, but for now Harry works on getting Louis to smile that pretty smile again.

"Yeah? Well, your pride and joy was poking me in the butt." Louis does make sure to leave this time as Harry's mouth drops open in shock and before Harry can even think of grabbing him again, Louis makes sure to aim webs at his hands and pin them to the couch cushions.

"Ooh kinky, how did you know I love being tied up?" Harry barely gets out through laughs as Louis speeds up his walk to his bedroom and ignores the man. He should really shower tonight because he still smells like the club, which is a mixture of old sugar daddies and cigar smoke, but he's honestly exhausted just by talking to Harry.

"And for the record," Louis turns around before he completely disappears out of sight. Harry's eyes trails back up to his, having dropped to the boys nice ass when he was walking away. Louis' face heats up at the look, but he ignores it. "My definition of decent is the opposite of having your dick out." He closes his bedroom door and Harry falls back against the cushions in bliss.

**_So now we're back to the main moral of this chapter being that you shouldn't mess with louis or it causes me to get angry and you won't like me when I'm angry._ **

**_Oops, wrong superhero, sorry about that._ **

**_Now back to where we ended before that little flashback._ **

A scream fills the main part of the bar as a man dressed in a colorful purple robe with leopard fur comes flying through the area. He lands with a thumb onto a table, breaking the fragile wood and causing it to collapse against the floor.

Everyone turns to where the man came from, seeing a smug looking Harry leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest. With all eyes now on him, he begins a slow clap that causes every biker in the room to look at each other before breaking out into a brawl.

Honestly, biker bar logic makes sense to very few, but Harry feels that he has mastered the ideology. Everyone shall now call him senpai.

With every person distracted in killing one another, Harry walks over to the pimp laying across the floor as he tries to get up. One he gets on his hands and knees, Harry pushes the heel of his boot into his back to push the pimp back down.

"Who sent you?" The man wheezes out as Harry crouches over to hear him better in what could be a very compromising position.

"A pimp named Slickback." Harry mentally high-fives himself for that good one. "Said you slapped one of his own, so I'm just repaying the favor."

"Is that so?" The man asks, spitting some blood out of his mouth, causing it to land dangerously clothes to Harry's nice new boots he's borrowing for the rest of his life, the term borrowing being used very loosely.

"Yes. I literally just said that he sent me, so why are you asking me to repeat myself?" Harry rants, this being a constant pet peeve of his and leaving him somewhat distracted.

The moment of weakness doesn't go unnoticed as Harry ends up being thrown onto his back by a blade being slashed across his thigh. The pain in his leg doesn't get registered until after he's sprawled onto the floor and the pimp struggles to get away.

"Why do they always need to run?" Harry groans, running a hand through his long locks of greased down and sweaty curls. He hastily gets off the of the floor, seeing the pimp climbing under a table to run towards the exit to escape all of the multiple fights going on.

The table that the pimp crawled under is the same one that Harry knocks over with his foot to chase after the guy. It seems as though he's escaped behind the bar and back through the alley, which isn't good if he gets away.

When Harry pushes through the door after getting swatted at by the woman working behind the bar, he's greeted with darkness and the cold. A street lamp flickers briefly above the door, doing a terrible job of lighting up the place. Literally failing at its only job.

When he turns to the right, he sees the pimp looking back at him as he runs.

"Why are you running?" Harry yells, searching behind his back for his gun. Unfortunately it isn't there, meaning that it must have slid out of the back of his pants when he was knocked to the ground.

He vaguely hears a loud gun shot that makes him duck, reassuring his last notion that he dropped his gun and now some drunk bastard inside is getting trigger happy with his stuff.

Well no problem then, since Harry still has his knife.

"Has nightmare on elm street not taught you anything? You don't walk away from the man slowly advancing towards you. Stop trying to escape your fate," Harry yells, words bouncing off the walls as the pimp continues to run away from him.

With a sigh Harry says, "I warned him," before throwing his knife and getting the guy in his right leg so that he falls down onto the pavement.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam (tummykink) here and I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. any additional thoughts?
> 
> external links:
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr (tummykink)](http://blueandbambi.tumblr.com)


	2. Chapter 2

**Look, I'm going to be upfront with you. During my years of high school, I was never the 'it' guy, or that person that everyone ever-so desperately wanted to hang out with. I was a complete outcast, and maybe, if you enjoy fitting those of high intelligence and low tolerance into one category, a nerd.**

There was a group of four guys huddled around Louis; each one looking down at him with amusement, as if finding him getting beaten the most hysterical thing in the world. There was only one guy out of the four that Louis knew the name of though, and that was Aiden.

"You're a nobody. Do you understand that? Do you listen when I talk? Hey! I asked you a fucking question." Aiden shouts, split flying from his mouth and landing on Louis' black rimmed glasses, which were crooked from having been thrown into the stained brick wall of the alleyway.

Though there was pain radiating from every crevice of his body, Louis spat blood out of his mouth and grinned halfheartedly. "Huh? Sorry, I wasn't listening."

This, of course, enraged Aiden, and Louis should have expected another fist to his face as he slouched against the wall, but he couldn't hold back his distressed groans for much longer. He notices his hazy vision when he lifts up his bare arm, which is slightly bloody from being scratched, wondering how long this would take before he was completely unconscious.

**I'm Louis Tomlinson. The guy getting the shit beat out of him. So, before we get into how I exactly became Spiderman and met the merc with a mouth, we have to get through some ritual humiliation first.**

"You're gonna pay, tiny Tomlinson. You are gonna pay." Aiden threatens, picking up a trash can that was filled to the brim and holding it over Louis' head.

Louis spat out some more blood on the polluted ground below him, looking up at Aiden with dull blue eyes. "Will a credit card be okay?"

"You fucking--"

"What kind of person are you, Aiden? Picking on someone half your size?" Someone calls from behind the group.

All eyes turned to the direction of the voice, and Louis swallowed thickly with relief when he saw that it was Zayn Malik, the son of the guy that runs MalCorp, one of the biggest companies in the world, as well as the only person Louis really associated with. He was the kind of guy that could be popular if he wanted to, but never did.

Louis readjusts his glasses, uncertain on whether or not Zayn was helping or insulting him. "Look, I know you meant that in a good way--"

"Leave him alone, Aiden."

At first, Louis believed that he would make it out of this beating, his feelings only slightly scathed, but he was proven wrong when Aiden lifted the garbage over him. Luckily, the trash was filled with mainly empty soda bottles, but Louis grits his teeth when he feels days old nacho cheese glide on the top of his head and land on his lap.

After laughing maniacally, the group of four head for the mouth of the alleyway, leaving both Zayn and Louis alone.

"Thanks," says Louis, using the wall as support in order to stand up. "I was about to become dead meat back here."

"Yeah, whatever." Zayn responds, despondent in his tone.

Before Louis could ask him about the sudden attitude, Zayn was already speedwalking out of the alleyway with his hands stuffed inside of his pockets and his head bowed down. Weird.

Louis rolls his eyes and tries his best to shake off the pain, forcing himself to move out of the alley before the goons come back for another visit.

  
He has a hard time defending himself when it comes to the bullies inside of his school, so he has become accustomed to the pity in people's eyes whenever he walked up to the school with his bruises on display.

Out in the open, there was two yellow buses outside of the school with several teachers swarming near it, clipboards clutched tightly in their hands.

"Please, no wandering around! If you are a student of this school going on the trip to the Columbia Genetic Research Institute, then I need you inside of the building immediately!" A teacher yells out.

Since he happened to be one of the people going on the field trip, he makes sure to rush into the bathroom as soon as he steps foot inside of his high school. There was no way that he could get rid of his clothes, which were slightly bloodied and covered in cheese, but he managed to wash away the dried blood on his skin; watching as the water turned into a rusty color once it slid down the drain.

It was just another typical day in the life of Louis.

**Now that we've gotten my shitty life story out of the way, let's skip a few moments ahead; shall we?**

"Spiders are carnivorous, ravenous eaters that need a massive amount of protein in order to survive. The first one we will observe is the funnel web spider, one of the deadliest spiders in the world. Male Sydney funnel-webs are exclusively responsible for human deaths from this spider's bite, so try not to get too close to one." The tour guide explains as she swiftly walks ahead of the group of students. "Their webs are synonymous to the type of high-tension wire used in bridge building. Oh, then we have..."

Louis tries to stay farther behind the group, nonchalantly gliding his fingers across the glass while his other hand holds his 35MM camera tightly (just in case one of the guys happened to snatch it from his grip).

He would need to get a few pictures of the spiders that were being introduced for the school newspaper, so he hesitantly raises his hand and waits for the tour guide to notice him, thinking to himself: Please don't draw too much attention. Please, please.

"Yes?"

"Can I get a few pictures? It's for, uh, my school newspaper."

There was a few groans from the students around him, and so Louis' cheeks burned bright red as his eyes focused back on the spider sitting behind the glass. It seems to be looking at him with annoyance too.

"Of course," replies the tour guide with glee. "What we have there is the crab spider, which administers a poisonous bite and has an early awareness of danger. That is referred to as a 'spider sense'."

As Louis lifts his camera to take a picture, one of the popular kids in the group bumps their elbow into his side on purpose, consequently ruining the picture. There was laughter from behind Louis as he tried to take the picture again, sinking his teeth into his tongue to avoid anger, but the same person bumps into him harder than before.

"Come on, guys. Stop bothering the kid." Eleanor groans. She happens to be Aiden's girlfriend, though Louis wasn't too sure why since they are complete opposites. Eleanor treats people with kindness and respect, and indulges in almost every activity in school, while Aiden is pretty much a burn out.

A very popular burn out.

The tour guide waves her hand to get the class to follow her. "If you follow me into this room, this is the lab where we combined genetic information, the process of crossing over, from all three spiders into one super-spider. Imagine if we could do this to ourselves-- isolate both powers and immunities from humans to rid of diseases! These ten spiders--"

"Nine," Louis says bluntly, turning all of the attention on him accidentally.

"Excuse me?"

"There are only nine spiders in here."

The students begin to whisper amongst themselves, but the conversation stops when the tour guide squints and hums all at once. "Maybe I was given the wrong information. Moving on..."

As the rest of the group moves on, Louis still stays standing in front of the tank in thought, amazed by the science of the spiders. He watches as the nine spiders scurried across the ground of crunched leaves and lifts his camera once more to take a picture, but it falls from his hand and dangles from it's strap around his neck when he feels a sharp sting on his hand.

"Fuck!" Louis shrieks, bringing his hand up to the front of his eyes. "What the--?"

There was a bite. Two tiny red marks penetrated into his skin. Louis furrows his eyebrows and looks down at the floor to get a look at what could have possibly bit him, which causes him to swallow thickly when he sees that it was the spider--the tenth one.

Instead of making a big fuss out of it, Louis shakes it off and rushes to catch up with the group.

-

There was something wrong.

Louis staggers inside of his house with his hand on his head, trying to hold back groans as his Uncle Dan and Aunt Jay's eyes focused on him. They're watching a commercial that screams about earning money in a flash, something that they were desperate for.

"Hey, Lou. Everything alright?" Uncle Dan asks curiously.

"I don't—I don't feel too good." His words come out choppy, uneven.

"What was that?"

Aunt Jay stands up from her chair and shuffles over to the oven, believing that Louis just had to be hungry if he was speaking like that. "We saved a nice plate of pot roast with rice for you in the oven. We even added your favorite kind of—"

"M'not hungry," Louis responds, trudging up the stairs while trying to keep his eyes open. "...gonna sleep...be down soon."

He slams his door shut and collapses onto the floor like a rag doll. He feels like someone is continuously punching him in the gut, and he can't stop shaking. He can barely see as he looks back down at the bite, but he could tell that the swelling was getting worse.

Breathing was becoming difficult, and so he whispers help out meekly while crawling over to his bed. He can't stop trembling, no matter how stiff he tried to make himself, and no matter how hard he tried to think about something other than how shitty he feels.

He's now drenched in sweat, so he weakly tugs his shirt off of his body before forcing himself onto his bed. Maybe he was reaching his end. Maybe he was slowly dying. A sign from whoever was above telling him that he didn't need to be here anymore--that he needed to suffer. If this was the case, Louis hoped that his aunt and uncle would find a way to make it without him.

He tugs the covers over his body and tried to close his eyes to sleep, but they roll to the back of his head without warning, sending him into a world of unconsciousness.

**  
I guess you could say that the day after was the day my life changed forever, but I'm still reserving that spot for something else. And to think that this was only a minor problem.**

When Louis woke up, he was sure that he had died and gone to heaven from how the brightly lit the sun shone on his face. The light streamed through his curtains, which were slightly opened because of the steady stream of wind coming from outside. He doesn't move for a solid five minutes from his spot under the covers, then decides to stretch out his legs to see if he would feel any pain.

There was none.

Relief flooded through his body as he carefully sat up in bed. So he wasn't dead. That was always nice to know.

He pulls the covers off of his body and lets out the most deafening scream known to man. Eyes wide when he sees a sticky white mass covering his legs. He doesn't even remember having a wet dream last night, so this couldn't be the case. His pants weren't even soaked. But as he looks down at his wrists, which had a quarter inch slit on both of them with white webs attached to them, he figures that he's going crazy.

There was no way in hell that spider webs were coming out of his skin. No, no, nope. This had to be a bad dream. An extremely bad dream.

After staring at his wrists for what felt like he forever, he pokes at one, adding pressure until another web shoots directly into his eye, blinding him momentarily. "Ah! Motherfucker--"

"Louis, is everything okay in there?" Aunt Jay asks from behind the door, and Louis could distinctly hear her putting her hand on the door knob.

"I'm great! Just...changing, and I fell over! Don't come in, okay?"

"Well, okay. Hurry up though. Your breakfast is getting cold."

Once Louis heard her walking back down the stairs, he all but ran into the bathroom that was connected to his room and turned the light on. That's when he saw himself--but it wasn't himself, no, he was looking at someone completely different.

His chest, underdeveloped only yesterday, was now toned. He still had his pudge, but it was barely noticeable under the light anymore. He felt stronger, better. He took off his glasses and sat them on top of the sink shakily, looking at himself in the mirror again. Everything was clear.

"Oh." Louis whispers to himself, placing his hand against his cheek. "Oh."

He spent approximately half an hour looking at himself in the mirror naked before he showered, got dressed, and went downstairs into the kitchen.

Uncle Dan and Aunt Jay sat at the table watching yet another commercial about money when Louis walked in, though their attention turned to him when they noticed how much different he looked compared to yesterday. They exchange glances as Louis whistles a song to himself and walks over to the fridge, pulling out a gallon of orange juice roughly.

"Louis?" Uncle Dan inquires. He looks like he's about to ask a question, but he seems to have decided to let it go when he saw the joyous look on Louis' face. "Have a good day at school."

**Though, I stopped going to school on that very day. I didn't feel the need to anymore. Especially after Uncle Dan died. I was lacking motivation to do anything--that was, until I had to move out of the house and fend for myself.**

**Behaving as a real adult probably had to be the worst thing I've had to ever do since jobs were so hard to find, which is why I got a job as a stripper. But even that wasn't enough to keep me from getting evicted, so I turned to Craigslist.**

"And tell me why I should have you as a roommate, Harry?"

Unfortunately, Harry happened to be the only person who answered Louis' ad on Craigslist. He didn't seem like a necessarily bad guy; he greeted Louis respectfully at the door and complimented Louis' décor, though Louis should have known that the man had a mouth on him from the way he walked; cocky and lordly, like he ran the show.

"I feel like I'm a qualified candidate. I mean, compared to all of these people--" Harry gestures behind him with his hand, though there was no one there. "I'm the best runner-up. Hey, are you single? I'm asking for a friend. A very good looking friend."

Ignoring the question, Louis continued. "What is your current job?"

"Miserable."

"Excuse me?"

Harry smiles wholeheartedly. "I'm in the business of misery, and you're a stripper. Two very fucked up jobs. Two very fucked up people. We're very compatible."

Business of misery? What does that even mean?

Louis blinks, then sighs in exasperation. No one else seemed to be begging to be his roommate, so why the hell not? "You can start moving in by Monday."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N: mickey (larrystylinsonvevo) here yay !! woah so i actually wrote something !! im doing this for my senpai sam and spideypool shout out to them !! pce out.]
> 
> [A/N: sam here as well to say that mickey is the bestest and this chapter had me very emotional. it's the inner zouie in me with that one scene and because my baby was getting hurt. cheers to another chapter and cheers to my babu mickey!]


	3. move that ass

The strip club Harry's walking through is beyond crowded with people in the stuffy atmosphere, so he's quite surprised that he's able to find a place near one of the open stages to chill out at.

He pushes his hood back to reveal his curls before getting knocked into by a drunk guy waving his money around like a proud flag. He tries to ignore the loud noises coming from the cheers and leers. His eyes sweep from the crowd of horny people covered in poor neon lights, back to the stage where the main action is taking place.

Louis doesn't pay much attention to him and even if he did, he'd still ignore Harry in favor of doing his job, which is the only thing that brings them enough money to barely survive, aside from Harry's contributions from stealing.

He watches as Louis slowly moves closer to the hands outstretched towards him in a grab, only getting close enough for a small tease of his hips gyrating forward and nothing else.

The little gold shorts he's wearing leave very little to the imagination, accentuating the firmness of his thighs, pulling into nicely rounded hips that transform his petite body into an hourglass figure. A pinched in waist that outlines a faint set of abs gives the perfect wet dream, one he has experienced multiple times.

He's not even here to get horny over a little show, thank you, but just here waiting for Louis to get off. Sometimes he visits him, especially if Harry's really bored and has no one to talk to. He's also hoping to bribe Louis into buying him dinner because some Mexican food sounds really good right about now.

He licks his lips and pats his tummy at the thought, probably looking like the giant creep that he feels like.

When his gaze gets tuned back into Louis, he sees the boy looking back at him over his shoulder with his hands tangled into the soft tresses of his frizzy fringe, messed up a bit from the sweat created by the bright lights and probably running his hands through it all night long.

Louis keeps up the coy act, letting a few people slip some bills into his shorts as he moves around the circular part of the extended stage with his hips gyrating sensually and showing off his curves.

Harry rolls his eyes, causing Louis to smile in his direction as the boy saunters over his way. Harry leans further against the stage, supporting himself with his forearms as Louis sensually moves his hips to the beat of bad by wale that's blasting from the speakers.

When he's in close enough distance, he does a little slide on his knees so that his crotch is close enough to Harry's face that it makes him go a little cross-eyed. Louis thrusts up lazily as the music slows down a bit, running his fingers along his glitter covered chest and avoiding his nipples all together, which are hard little nubs on his chest.

Harry knows from experience how sensitive Louis' nipples are because he nearly came in his pants when Harry engaged in a tickle fight with him that led to Harry playing dirty and twisting Louis' nipples when Louis kicked him in the crotch.

Harry won't let Louis live it down and he believes that his actions were justified since Louis hurt his /not so/ little friend downstairs.

Harry watches as Louis toys with the waistband of his spandex, playing with it a bit before snapping them against his pelvis. The crowd is practically eating up the attention, but Harry loses focus on them with the prettiest boy in the world in such a close reach to him.

Louis' head is tilted down, but his sapphire eyes are shining brightly as he looks up at Harry from under his fringe, blinking his stupidly long eyelashes at him and playing coy. This isn't fair and Louis knows this because now Harry Jr. is wide awake.

Louis leans forward slowly, close enough to whisper in Harry's ear and make it look like shameless flirting. Harry carefully slips a crumbled bill from his palm and straightens it out with sweaty hands to stick inside of Louis' shorts to play up the act.

The last thing he needs is for Louis' employer to fire the boy for not doing his job, which is to shake fat ass and make money as he so eloquently put it. Only, that's the cleaner version of what he said.

"Go in my dressing room, my shift's almost over," Louis whispers in a sultry voice that has Harry's pulse thrumming with the bass of the club. He nods a little and that's how he finds himself sitting on a chair in Louis' dressing room while playing Angry Birds on his phone.

When the door opens behind him, he instantly says, "I could really fucking go for some Mexican food right now. I'm in the mood for a chimichanga." He rubs his tummy for emphasis and looks up, gaze locking in the mirror with a figure that most definitely isn't Louis.

Harry quickly stands on high alert, body moving so swiftly that he knocks his chair down in a haste to turn around and face the obvious intruder. He's not quite sure what is to come of this situation, but he doesn't want to take a chance and give this person the upper hand. It seems that he's constantly been on high alert ever since he got into the business of getting revenge on people who do them wrong, the strange duo of Louis and Harry.

"Are you lost?" Harry asks skeptically, brows drawn together in a weird little frown. The person steps from the shadow they were standing in, which covered their face and part of their body, but coming out into the light reveals a pleasant surprise.

A woman stands before him, from what Harry can tell by the body encased in a skin-tight suit made of what is surely latex. Harry cringes when she steps forward, the squishing sound of the suit rubbing together in between her thighs making his ears hurt. He doesn't even understand how people get into those tight little things.

"Looks like a lot of baby powder," Harry blurts out, only a little bit accidental in his words.

"Excuse me?" The woman asks, and okay, she does have a voice to match her hard lined face and stoic posture. It's deep, could probably rival Harry's own.

"You know, 'cause like that suit looks really tight. So I'm taking a wild guess in believing that you drenched your body in baby powder, to you know," he uses his hands to make a gesture of a circle and a finger going through, " get it on."

"Are you flirting with me?" She asks and it's only a small shock to Harry's system when he realizes that he just mimed finger fucking or something like that. He's basically lost all coordination with his brain and hands at this point.

"I have a boyfriend," he blurts out instead and it seems that it only takes him blinking once for her to appear miraculously only a few feet in front of him now. A couple of men trickle in behind, scoping out the room and walking around as if they own the place.

Harry will literally pee on everything in this room if need be. He owns it. Now he has this strange urge to growl as they violate Louis' privacy and begin rummaging through his things.

"We've heard a great deal about you Harry Styles," the woman says slowly, causing Harry to make a sour face because it feels like she's mocking his slow drawl. "The guy that just won't ever shut his mouth. What's wrong now? Cat got your tongue?"

Okay, now Harry definitely knows that she's mocking him.

"Can I please talk to someone else?" Harry asks, gesturing vaguely to the woman with his hands, "Carly Rae Jepsen is legitimately scaring me now. Now I will not call you maybe, so please stop stalking me." The woman laughs at this, so Harry just smiles all fake like and continues with this useless banter.

"You're lucky you're cute," she says like they're old friends meeting up again after being away from eachother for a long time. "Too bad that's the only thing going for you." She adds on a little pout for emphasis, which totally contradicts the fact that Harry can't breathe now.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he chokes, out grasping at his neck, which seems to be on fire. She actually just karate chopped his throat. What the hell is this? Did he suddenly and unknowingly become apart of a movie about ninjas? "You're messing up my deep throating techniques."

"You won't need those when we're done with you."

"That just sounds so wrong on so many levels. I hope you don't visit children's schools in your spare time," Harry barely gets out through his wheezing, trying to fix his erratic breathing enough to give back a snappy retort.

"You little-" One of the guys behind the woman charges at Harry, clearly outraged by his mouth that never stops moving. Harry perks up in glee, glad to have angered the big men. Maybe they can hold him down or something. Sexy.

Before the man can take another step, he's being knocked off of his feet and his face goes plummeting towards the floor in shock.

"Trouble seems to always find you," Louis says as he rubs his hands together, like dirty actually marred the beautiful skin on his hands. Trust and believe, Harry knows how magical those fingers are and he would never let harm come to them. He will literally build a shrine dedicated to Louis' hand, which will be located next to his shrine of Louis' ankles. So dainty.

"Sipdey. Baby," Harry cheers, narrowly missing a fist to the face by the woman when she throws a punch his way. The attack gets intercepted by Louis before it can make contact with Harry's unsuspecting face, webs shooting out from his wrist and flinging the woman backwards onto the floor.

"Good?" Louis asks, noticing Harry's wide eyes as he surveys the scene. Three more guys remain, the other one still knocked out on the floor, and Louis' just wearing those little shorts with his defined muscles on display. This is good. This is nice. Harry likes a lot.

"Peachy like your ass tattoo," Harry winks. Louis ignores him, like normal, coming to stand next to Harry and survey if any damage has been done to his face.

The distraction leaves the two vulnerable, so Harry can barely call Louis' name before the shorter male is being punched in his face, the side of his cheek getting squished into his mouth as he falls to the ground in a heap of pain.

Harry gasps in shock, delivering a swift elbow move that causes the guy to stumble back a bit in shock.

Louis recovers easily enough, from all the beatings he used to receive back in school, this is nothing compared to those. He swiftly gets up, positioning himself so that he's back to back with Harry and they can both survey the room.

"I like this position," Harry whispers as they turn in slow circles, watching the moves of the men.

"Shut up!" Louis groans in annoyance, rolling his eyes and all at Harry's tactics. Harry bumps their butts together, to both get closer and as a symbol that he's ready. Louis hums, letting one of the men charge towards him before delivering a jumping kick that has Louis' body twisting in the air as his foot collides with the man's head.

When Louis drops down in a crouch, he swiftly kicks the man completely off of his feet and looms over him like a shadow. Harry of course narrowly avoids stepping over the man, dealing with his own two men all at once.

One of them is expertly wielding a katana and Harry's pretty impressed with his form, although his grip is too loose so Harry easily slaps it out of his hand and grabs it for himself.

Once Louis' guy is, definitely, knocked out on the ground, he uses his webs to attach to the second man coming after Harry and slamming him into the dressing room wall. The vanity rattles with the crash as the man's lifeless body collides on the carpet.

Harry does a quick little ballerina spin, flaunting the fact that he now has the upper hand with his katana in hand to the goon who's retreating backwards.

Harry's eyes are wide as he advances towards him like a predator, even though he trips on an unconscious body on the floor. With a little swipe, once the man extends his hands in mercy, Harry cuts one of them off.

Bloodthirsty maybe, but probably more pissed at the fact that this is the man who punched his Louis. How dare he harm such a perfect face?

Blood automatically spurts everywhere from the missing hand, the guy clutching at in a desperate attempt of confusion and shock. It was there and now it's gone. Harry laughs because it's like playing peek-a-boo with a baby.

"Harry, what the fuck!" Louis exclaims, pulling Harry back so that they don't get blood all over themselves. Too late, since some is already running down in streaks along Harry's complacent smile. "Why did you do that?" Louis gestures towards the man, who's passed out on the floor from shock, most likely. Hopefully? Hopefully not from blood loss that is.

"He punched you and I made sure that he can't do it again," Harry shrugs simply, watching as Louis' carefully wipes some of the blood away with a nearby towel.

Harry sighs with a pout on his face, noticing the bruise forming by his eye and wanting to find ways to heal it instantly. He doesn't like to see Louis hurt, which might explain his sudden thirst for blood.

**Then Louis and I got married and fucked like rabbits. The End.**

**Kidding, kidding. These types of things only happen in my Sims game or in my dreams. Although, we unfortunately had to leave the scene of the crime and pretend that they were never there to begin with.**

**But, I did get my wish granted for some Mexican food. Louis is a blessing.**

"How would you like your chimichanga sir?"

"Thick, moist on the inside and hard on the outside, nine inches long, easy to grip, and cheap." Harry smiles, dimples poking out of his cheeks at the workers mouth drops open in shock. Louis quickly apologizes for Harry's crude behavior after slapping a hand over his face in embarrassment.

"Sit here," Louis says after dragging him to a table, "and don't move an inch. I'm going to order our food since you're clearly incapable of doing that." Louis walks back to the counter as Harry tries to follow Louis' orders, but now there's a itch on his nose and it's causing his face to twitch a lot.

When Louis comes back with the food and begins to dig in, he notices Harry not moving to grab his food and so his expression turns perplexed.

"Why aren't you eating? Thought you were hungry?"

"You told me not to move and I'm only obeying you." Harry smiles serenely.

Louis lets out a dry laugh. "Wow, very funny smart ass." Harry in turn laughs at this, going to dig into his chimichanga and openly moaning at the pure bliss that he's put in. It's almost as good as an orgasm.

**Funny story, until I was thirteen I had thought that orgasms was pronounced organism and that they were the same thing.**

"Before you bust a nut," Louis notes Harry's blissful expression that makes him look like he died and went to heaven, "tell me why you did that tonight."

Harry shrugs complacently, obscenely licking his fingers as he says, "he hurt you. Simple as that."

Louis only squints briefly with a nod, continuing to watch Harry with skeptical eyes as he eats his own food, which consists of empanadas and dirty style rice.

"I beat my meat to your face, so obviously it would be upsetting for someone to mess up that perfection." Louis groans, loud and long, annoyed and turned off by the comment. And he thought that Harry was actually concerned for his safety. He's just some spank bank to him, honestly Louis continues to be shocked by Harry's obsession with him.

They end up getting kicked out of the place because the owner claims that they're making pornographic noises.

"Stop hitting me!" Harry screeches as they stand out, "I'm sorry that their food is so delicious. It's like sex wrapped in a tortilla."

Louis hits him one more time for good measure, food packed into a container held in a bag dangling from his fingers as he squints up at Harry under the shitty lighting provided by the low quality street lights that hang above them.

"At least you know that we make a pretty good enough team," Harry offers his input with another shrug, almost fearing that his shoulders will get stuck in that position if he does it anymore tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [a/n: Sam here with an update! Micket is sleeping now I think, but we both want to thanks you guys for the amazing response on this story! It's incredible and I'm very sorry this update was late! Otherwise, we try to make them every Friday.]


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